The Pains of Being Konan
by Ayukazi With Kitty
Summary: We all know and Love Konan and The Akatsuki. We all love to see their fights and awesome skills. But what's it like to be the only girl in an organization full of stupid guys? Well, Konan is here to tell the world the pains of being Konan. T-rated for the foul mouths.
1. Homesick

**This will be the only author's notes of the story considering I am putting this as a talk show type format. So… enjoy!  
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, the characters or the story. I do not own The Akatsuki. I only own this Fanfiction and my OC's. Thank you.**

_The lights come up on the set of the popular talk show of "Back Stories." The two hostesses sit strait up in their chairs. One tall with platinum blond, boy cut hair and silver eyes. The other average height with red hair with the ends dyed black and Sapphire blue eyes. "Action!" The director calls. The blond turned to the cameras with a sly grin. "Welcome back to Back Stories everyone! Last week, we interviewed an upcoming Manga artist, Zack. He told us the interesting plot of his Manga." She said. "I already preordered the first season!" Said the red head. The Audience applauded. _

"_Now, we have a very special guest Today, Don't we, Enya?" Asked the blond. The red head, Enya, nodded. "We sure do, Kaira! Ladies, gentlemen, Animaniacs…" She said. The Warner Brothers Yakko and Wako and the Warner sister, Dot. Appeared on the big screen and waved. _**(A/N: I just had to, the Warner's belong to Steven Spielberg. Not me, sorry.) **_"Welcome to the show, from the world's top anime, Naruto, and the winner of the Best Female villain award, Konan!" Enya said. The blunette entered the studio as the crowd went nuts._

"_Hellooooo nurse!" Yakko and Wako cheered in unison. Dot whacked them with a mallet. "Why couldn't I have sisters?" Dot said as she sat them down. "Ahem, any ways, tell us about yourself and your role in Naruto, Konan." Enya said. Konan smiled. "Well, Enya, as very little know, Naruto is actually a true story, only, the Akatsuki obviously didn't die. Kishimoto-san actually said we did to make it more catching for villain lovers like you and Kaira. Actually, in the fourth shinobi world war, the Akatsuki all focused their chakra to Naruto and helped him defeat Obito." Konan explained. Enya leapt on to the table and pointed up to the sound box. "YOU OWE ME SEVENTY BUCKS, MARK!" She yelled. The audience laughed._

_Konan chuckled. Enya sat down and Kaira moved along. "So, Konan, what was it like being the only girl living with nine guys under the same roof for so long?" She asked. "Kaira, the only way I can describe it is as a pain in the ass. There were always when they guys' hormones would go crazy, and the best way of describing that was seeing a dog in heat. Absolutely nuts." She said. Enya laughed so hard she fell out of her seat. Kaira grabbed her and yanked her back in her seat. "What do you think was the worst part of being with them?" Kaira laughed while Enya held her gut. Konan tapped her lip thoughtfully for about twelve minutes. "I can't tell you what the worst thing was, but if I really had to pick from those moments of hell, it would be the drama. Believe it or not guys have drama. The first case happened back when Itachi joined us and he got home sick…"_

**Konan's P.O.V.**

I walked down the hall at midnight. It was just one of those nights for me. I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried, so I was going to get some tea. I heard the sound of a sniff come from the window as I walked by a small branch hall way that lead only to a window. I looked over and saw Itachi sitting in the window staring at the moon. I wondered if he had been crying. **(A/N: Remember, Itachi was thirteen when he left the village and joined the Akatsuki. I actually did math when I was on Narutopeidia. If your curious, PM me and I'll explain.)** I shrugged and went to the kitchen and made my tea. I kept thinking about Itachi sitting in the window. I sighed and pulled out a tray and made a second cup of tea.

"_**Okay, if he isn't there, it'll be a waste of tea and I'll go to bed. If he's still there… we'll see where it goes."**_ I thought and made my way back up the steps. He was still in that window. I heard him sniff again. I walked up behind him. "Hey." I said softly, causing him to jump slightly. He turned to look at me. There were tears half way down his face. I was about to wonder if being this alone was rough on him, but it would be rough on any thirteen year old. "Mind if I join you?" I asked. He wiped his eyes. "I don't care." He said, his monotone back. I sighed and sat next to him on the window. "Here." I said handing him a cup of tea. "Thanks." He replied and stared at the liquid in the cup. I took a sip before I spoke.

"What's wrong?" I asked, staring at him. "Nothing. I am perfectly fine." He said. "Don't lie to me, Uchiha. I saw you cry." I said. "You did not. I wasn't crying." He said. "Itachi, do you know what happens when you lie to a short tempered woman?" I asked, getting irritated. He shuddered. "I'm fine, Konan, really. I'm just remembering things I don't want to remember." He said. "Most people call them selfs idiots or grind their teeth when they do that." I said. He shook his head. "What is it?" I asked. He was silent for a moment, staring in to his tea. I was about to give up and walk away.

"Back home… I knew this girl. She was… Unique. She wasn't like the other girls. Every girl back home would fangirl and swoon over me. But her… She'd ignore me." He said with a small smile. I stared at him like he was weird. "I don't think I'd consider that a good thing." I said. He shrugged. "Well, we were actually rivals for the short time we were in the academy. She was a prodigy, but she was stronger and smarter than me. By the time I was chunin, she was Anbu. By then, her parents had died and she was raising her baby brother alone. At that point, or rivalry had disappeared and we were close friends. She wasn't constantly saying she loved me, she wasn't always passing out when I looked at her, her eyes didn't turn to hearts when she saw me. She treated me like an equal, even an inferior some times. We got along. She made me laugh every now and then. Even though she had to grow up fast, she was still very optimistic. By the time I was ten, I had fallen in love with her. I told her that, even though I was afraid she would reject me. I was surprised when she told me she felt the same." He said.

I was taken aback at this. "And this made you cry because..?" I asked. "Because when I left, I left her lying in the street. Before she passed out from blood loss, she said she hated me and would never forgive me." He said. I felt bad for him. I knew what it was like to lose the one person I loved. But to be told that they hated me? That must be hard to take. I gripped his shoulder. "When she learns the truth, she will forgive you." I said. He wiped his eyes and shook his head. "I killed family and emotionally scarred a child and left the girl I loved bleeding to death in the middle of the street. I would hate me, too." He said.

I smiled at him. "Things will look up, Itachi. I know they will." I said. He looked up and stared at the moon. "I don't think they will. Would you ever forgive the person that left you for dead in the street?" He asked. I sighed. "There's always a possibility." I said. He shrugged and sipped his tea. I finished mine and stepped back. "Well, I'm off to bed. Try to get some sleep, kid." I said and went off to bed.


	2. Period and a Newboy

_Itachi's homesickness didn't last forever, but there was more than a runaway's homesickness a woman in the Akatsuki had to worry about. The hormone-driven newbies were always a pain in my ass. Like back when Hidan started, he tried to get with me, unfortunately, I was on my period at that time…_

I. Was. Pissed. Not only had my period started, but Pein had just told me that the new boy, Hidan was arriving soon. I shut my self in my office and went though all of the paperwork I had been missing. The bills, the legal damages, therapy, strip club fees. God, what did these guys do when I did the laundry? Well, it explains why I had so much laundry to do. I sighed and went through my work.

It took me three days to get all that work done. When I left my office for the first time that week, I was "lucky" enough to run in to Hidan first. Extra sarcasm on the "lucky" part. He responded to me as if it had months since he last saw a woman. With a very snide grin he walked right up to me and grabbed my boobs and squeezed them as hard as he could.

I grabbed his arms and flipped him in to the wall. Then I stomped on his chest and ripped off his head and threw it at Tobi, hitting him square in the face and knocking him over. Kakuzu walked in at that moment. "Are you on your period again?" He asked. I tore out two of his hearts. I stormed back to my room and washed the blood off of my arms and changed my pad before lying on my bed.

There was a tap at my door. "Come in." I snapped. Pein entered. "I guess I should have warned you about Hidan, huh?" He asked. "It wouldn't have mattered if you did. He would have done it anyways and the results would have been the same." I said, glaring at him. He raised his hands up in defense. I rolled my eyes. "At least the dick is dead." I said. "Umm, actually, as it turns out, he's immortal. Which makes him the perfect partner for Kakuzu, right?" He said. "Damn it." I said. Pein chuckled. "I'll make it up to you. Date night is this Saturday." He said. I smiled at that. I always loved date night with Pein. The others would always go to a bar or something while Pein and I would… Never mind, you're too young to hear about that stuff.

I wish I could say that Saturday came up faster than a cheetah on a newborn antelope. But if I did, I would be lying. Hidan didn't learn his lesson after that first day. The next morning, I had decided to wear a skirt while making breakfast. When I stepped back, I found Hidan looking up my skirt. We made eye contact for five seconds. Then I did what any girl would have done, on their period or not. I screamed "You little fuck" at the top of my lungs and slapped him with the hot frying pan hard enough to send his head flying through the wall in to Kakuzu's shower.

"KONAN!" he whined. "CONTROL YOU FUCKING PARTNER ASSHOLE!" I screamed back. That wasn't the only attempt that day. When I went to his room for his laundry, it was all over the place! Mostly blood stained underwear. I wondered if Hidan was actually a girl and was on her period. As I bent over to pick up the laundry, Hidan chose to walk out of his bathroom. _Ass. Naked._ He walked right up to me with a snide grin. "I knew you wanted me." He said. Unfortunately for him, I had a kunai. Needless to say, by the time I walked out of the room, he was an American Unicorn.

What's an American unicorn? It's a guy with his junk on his forehead. You may now roll on the floor, laughing with tears rolling down your face like Enya is.

Thursday was no better. Hidan walked in on me while I was in the shower, stripped down and tried to hook up with me in the shower. Then later when I got back from grocery shopping, he yanked down my pants and _Bit. My. Ass._ I screamed, ripped off his head and gave it to Tobi and told him to enjoy his new toy. I have no idea what Tobi did to him, but now the Jashinist is dead terrified of Tobi. I probably should have kept Tobi with me for the next day.

At seven the next morning, while I was half asleep and half awake, Hidan came in to my room, tore off my shirt and stuffed his face in my boobs and motor boated me. I was really awake then. And there was a Hidan shaped hole going through thirty five sixteen inch thick walls. I think after that Hidan got it through his head I'm not the girl to fuck. Because Pein almighty pushed one of Sasori's puppets up his ass then off a cliff. After he was done falling, Pein screamed down "KEEP YOUR DICK AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND YOU FUCKED UP LITTLE- **(A/N: TECHNICALL DIFFICULTIES!)** PUSSY BITCH!" Needless to say, I was very thankful when Saturday rolled around. Of course, with the Akatsuki around, some thing is bound to happen or follow them home from bar night.

In this case, the best two things to happen to the Akatsuki.

_**AUTHORS NOTE: I have notice I am leaving cliff hangers at the most terrible places, but this story is ultimately plot less. New territory for me. As for the extremely short chapters, well, the only two allowed to bitch about it are The-Music-Loving-Anime-tard and VeeandreaHart because they're the only ones close enough to me to do so. So put up with it for now and when something hilarious happens that I can put in here, I will. Eventually there will be a long chapter, but this is not this chapter. Goodnight everybody. **_

_**You must now review please.**_


	3. The ginger and brunette

…_Of course, with the Akatsuki around, some thing is bound to go wrong and follow them home from bar night. In this case it was two things that invaded. And I think that they were the best things to ever happen to the Akatsuki. For once, I was not alone._

I woke up the next morning with a slight hangover. And not happy at all. The boys were still very loud. Thankfully, Hidan had the worst hangover of us all and I was safe from another sexual attack. Unfortunately, the two new comers could not stop screaming at each other.

"ANA! GET OFF OF THE COMPUTER! I NEED TO CHECK MY EMAILS!" One yelled. "STOP YELLING IN MY EAR, CRYSTA! AH! FUCK! THAT SPIDER IS RAPING SASUKE!" The other yelled back. The first one, Crysta, burst in to laughter. "Y-you re-realize… ha-ha… wha-what y-you s-said?!" She laughed. I stormed in to find a red head sitting on the couch with a laptop on her lap and flipping off a brunette with her ears pierced similarly like Pein's and her nose was pierced with a single ruby. The red head had dazzling sapphire eyes. The brunette had stunning emerald eyes with a ring of reddish brown around her pupils. The red head had to be about five foot five or five foot six. The brunette had to be five foot two.

I stared at the two for a bit, trying to understand who they were. "HEY!" I yelled. They both stopped, looked at me, and the next thing I knew, the laptop was abandon on the couch and the two girls were standing shoulder to shoulder, saluting me. Yup, the red head was five foot six. "Who, the hell, are you?" I asked. "My name is Ana Night, Ma'm! I am five foot six and twenty one years old! The girl with the piercings next to me is Crysta Jones! She is five foot three and nineteen years old! We both request joining the Akatsuki!" The red head, Ana, said. I stared more. I pinched the bridge of my nose between my eyes. "At ease." I said. They dropped in to a relaxed army position. Well, I knew that they were American army trained in manors.

"If it's joining you, want, its not me you want to talk to. I'm the one you want to talk to when you want to talk to the boss about joining." I said. "Say, how did you two get here?" I asked. They both looked at each other. Crysta sighed. "Well, see, last night, Ana and I were sitting at the restaurant bar, having some drinks, eating some burgers, wondering how the hell we would find the Akatsuki when this large group of eight walks in. Ana starts staring intently at the one with the darkest hair in the group while I'm staring down the blonde trying to figure out if it's a boy or a girl. When suddenly, it occurs to me who they are. Duh! It's only the best group posing as villains but wannabe-heros in the world! THE AKATSUKI! So, Ana and I come up with a plan. We each went in, found the ones we admired most, flirted with them, fought them, they offered us to come home with them. Next thing we know, here we are!" Crysta said.

I stared again. "PEIN!" I yelled. The sound of a body falling down the stairs was heard and then Pein was at me feet. "Yes, dear?" He asked. I heard Ana whisper to Crysta "I fucking knew it." I cleared my throat. "We have two girls here requesting to join." I said. Pein looked at them. "No." He said. Both girls fell in to despair. You'd expect them to curl up in an emo corner and start crying. Not these two. The seemed like soulless dummies that were crying. They kinda reminded me of Kyoko from Skip Beat! "But Whhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Ana whined, grabbing his leg. "Peiiiiiinnnnn-ssssssaaaaammmmmaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh." Crysta said, crawling up on his back. "Dafuq?!" Pein asked, beginning to freak out a little bit. I'll admit I was a bit freaked out myself.

"Cooooooooommmmmmmeeee oooooooonnnnnnnnnnn!" Crysta cried, tugging at his sore ear. "Ow! Hey! Get off of me! Stop licking my leg!" He tried to shake off Ana. "Give us a Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnccccc cccccceeeeee!" Ana said, licking Pein's toes. I wanted to film this, not gonna lie. "Stop it! Get off of me! OW!" He yelled. Ana had reached up and yanked out one of his nose piercings. His hands flew up to his nose. "What the hell?!" He said. "At least let us auditioooooooon!" She cried. "Fine! I'll let you audition after my nose heals!" He said. "Wimp!" I said. "YAY!" Ana and Crysta cheered. And pulled Pein's hand away from his bleeding nose and slipped the piercing back in. Her hand glowed with green chakra and she pressed it to his face. When she pulled it away, he looked mostly normal. Then she slapped a bandage on him. Literally slapped it on. "What the hell?" He asked. "Sorry, I have violence flashes." Ana said. "And you know medical ninjutsu?" I asked. "Yup! We both can, although, we both prefer to cause damage rather than fix it." Ana said. "Anyways…" I said and turned to the stares.

"AKATSUKI! GET YOUR SORRY, HUNG OVER AND POSSIBLY STILL DRUNK ASSES DOWN HERE NOW!" I screamed up the stairs. "Owww… Konan, don't scream at us, please?" Came Kisame's whine. I marched up the stars and threw him down. After that everyone came down with out a fight. We all gathered in the back. "Here are Ana Night and Crysta Jones. They wish to join the Akatsuki. They both know medical ninjutsu. Now we test their strength. First, who volunteers to fight Crysta?" Pein asked and Crysta stepped on to the battle field. To my shock, Deidara stepped forward. Him being nineteen, like Crysta, was a minor and couldn't drink therefore was sober and not suffering from hangover. I noticed looks that said "shit, we're fucked now" cross Itachi and Kakuzu's faces. I glared at them.

"I can take a small fry, un." Deidara said. "EXCUSE ME, SHEMALE?!" Crysta shrieked. "He's dead." Ana said. "What?" I asked. "Crysta hates it when she's called small. She pretty much turns in to a ball of fury. The thing is, I wouldn't want to be in Shemale's shoes right now." Ana said and the battle began. Deidara wasn't able to touch the speedy woman. His long distance attacks didn't work on her. She caught on that Deidara was a long range fighter. She was able get in close and beat him. I was shocked at Crysta's speed. She had gone from nearly one hundred feet across from Deidara to one fourth foot away and beating the total shit out of him.

"Well, I think Crysta's in. Anyone up for fighting Ana?" Pein asked. No one budged. If Crysta was a ball of pure terror, we could only imagine what the red head would do, and I was worse than that. "Fine, Zetsu, I volunteer you." Pein ordered and the red head and plant took to the battle field. Ana's beginning stance reminded me of Hinata Hyuga's fighting stance after using Gentle Fist. I couldn't even see them move when the battle began. It lasted about ten seconds. The Zetsu was lying on his back and Ana's foot was on his chest and a bottle of weed killer in her hand.

Crysta doubled over with laughter. I facepalmed. "I think the answer is obvious. Welcome to the Akatsuki, Girls." Pein said. "Yeah!" The two cheered and high-fived each other. I was happy that there were now two others that understood my pains. But those pains actually increased with them around. The guys got really flirty since these two weren't off limits. And with a hot-head ginger and a temperamental brunette around, there were a lot more walls that needed to be replaced. But still, it was nice while it lasted.


End file.
